Outside My Window

I'm looking out my window right now, watching my children play as I type this, I love all the colors of Fall. The world seems to be ablaze for a few short weeks before dozing through the long, cold winter. Fall is the earth's way of reminding us before its nap, that winter will only last a while and then spring brings all things new. Life reborn and empowered with youth, a hunger to grow. But first the Earth must rest and let herself heal, slough off the old to prepare for the new.

The bright reds and oranges stand out passionately against the darker hues of the evergreen and the now dulling grass. I think Tennessee is an absolutely gorgeous state during the Autumn, I don't much care for it the rest of the year, except the very begining of spring when everything is that bright, new leafling green and the rain gives the air a refreshing, clean taste as you breath it in. So it is refreshing when the wind has a slight bite to it, when you pull your jacket a little tighter and squeeze close to the one you love.

Fall ultimately reminds me of the fair. I went this year.(Twice) I took my kids one night and watching them skip around, wide eyed and in awe of the lights and fast rides. This isn't their first year to go of course, but that is one of the beauties of childhood, the ability to take delight in things over and over again. Bounce me on your knee, throw me in the air, spin me round and round. These things will forever be fun in the heart of the young. Does anyone else still love to climb trees or jump on the trampoline while skipping rope? I hope I never get too old to enjoy those simple things.

It's funny really, it dawned on me (perhaps, not for the first time?) that life is very much like the seasons...

Spring = Youth,

Summer = Young Adult,

Fall = Mature Adult,

Winter = Elderly.

Summer sure is different than I thought it would be back in the Spring...Ya know? And how do we know when we're out of our Summer phase and into Fall? I guess when I'm more mature...I'll know. It will probably happen long before I'm ready to admit, but I swear to stave off growing up too fast...(Were there lost girls as well as boys in NeverLand?) as long as possible. I think if we remain kids at heart and hold on to that special warmth that comes in the Spring of Youth, so long as we keep our hearts burried deep from the cold of Winter we'll be forever young in the Autumn and Winter of our Lives.

Is Anyone Else...

Having trouble getting a picture to post on here?

Wings

I have tried to find work in my town and am now fully convinced that there just isn't work to be had, so, I'm going back to school instead. I've wanted to get my RN for a while now and tomorrow I'm going to find out when classes will start. I suppose this will be just as good as finding work, even if we do have to take out yet another loan. At least when my studies are done I will be able to pay them all back relatively easily. That will be SO nice. Not to owe anything. Anyway, enough $$$ talk. I'm finally on my way to earning my wings!

28...

Today.

A Work In Progress...

This is a very rough picture, an idea I keep seeing in my mind. I have a few things i would like to try...to better achieve the look I was going for when I drew this. I'll keep them posted on here. I would SO love to have art classes or the experience from them right now!

This, That and The Other...Random Thoughts

I've been having these really weird dreams lately, very aggressive dreams. I'm not fond of them, I wake up in a state of severe anxiety, as if I slid into some twisted version of my past. Only I'm not a child in my dreams and they aren't actual occurrences, only similar in some ways. In them I'm defending myself from my mother's verbal accusations, this turns into her reaching for a belt to spank (read: flail) me. At this point, I flip out, I TRY to hit her, I DO. I swing and it connects, but it's barely a tap and it only angers her more...are you seeing the cycle here? By the end of the dream I'm fighting frantically, and though I don't physically struggle anymore, I wake up wanting to. Wanting to call out...in frustration, anger and the fear of what I WANT to do in this dream as everyone I know and love sit by and allow this to happen. I wake desperately in need of shedding my own skin. I can usually go back to sleep and be fine, but there are nights when I close my eyes to the same dream...taking up where it left off.

Please, tell me this is not some sign of insanity. I think that is my biggest fear in life, finding out that I'm not sane. Being hauled away to a small white room, padded, no windows and tall ceilings with dimly lit can lighting. My mind shudders away from even the idea of the confinement found inside a straight-jacket. Speaking of straight-jackets, has anyone seen "The Jacket"? Staring Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kelly Lynch, Kris Kristofferson ...it's well worth watching. I also just watched "Final Destination 3". I believe it is my favorite of the three. I'm a dork I know, but I love those types of movies. Though I was never fond of "Scream", any of them.

So, back to the REAL world...I've dropped off numerous applications and have yet to get a call back. Gotta love small towns with high population and not nearly enough jobs or people who care enough to let go of some of their daddy's hard earned cash and create places for work. Unless of course I want to sit in a line all day and like a robot, place plastic parts on a moving line so they can be neatly painted and packaged (what the hell is up with packaging these days anyway?!?!) to be sold for four times what they're worth while I'm payed a minor sum of what they(the label companies) keep by distributing their cheap merchandise. Anyway, sorry about my little rampage there, and I mean NO offence to anyone who might work in a factory. (Bravo for having a JOB!) I haven't had a good nights sleep in a couple of nights and that makes me CRANKY!

On the up side to my weird dreams, I have some ideas for a picture floating through my head. I have a rough sketch and have been running it through my mind wondering how I can actually get what I want. I usually tend to stick with mostly realistic pictures, but to achieve what I want, I think it may look more like a cartoon, perhaps a bit like anime, though I've only tried my hand at that a few (not very successfully, I might add) times in the past. I also have a bit of a story brewing in my head, well a part of an idea for a story.

She held the vial above the ornament and watched as the liquid caught her eyes in its reflection. The image would stay in her memories forever, the image frozen, the drop frozen in motion. Her stomach flipped at the idea that this moment may forever change the way she looked at the world around her, her choices, HER. The liquid landed on the sharp, shiny object and she closed the vial, slipping it back into her pocket as she picked up a tray of festive treats and headed back... They would be waiting for her.

Anyway, it might be something along those lines, ideas are still forming and it is far past time that I should be in bed...sleeping. Good night my friends. Sweet dreams...

Just a Few Pictures

Wanting More and Moving On...

Is there ever a time in your life when you wonder...Is there more? What am I missing? AM I missing anything?

This thought has passed through my mind more than a little lately. It makes me a bit uncomfortable and I guess that's a good thing. It's time to move forward with my life, it's just not fulfilling anymore. I'm tired of standing still, waiting, I'm ready to go! I think that if we stay in one place too long we get way comfortable and I think I did that for a while, but it's not enough any more.

I'm itchy in my own skin if that makes any sense at all and there are little tell-tale signs too. I want do things I know aren't really fulfilling, they only appear that way for the moment and then you wake to realise that your life is all fucked up. No, Thanks. I'm NOT going down THAT road again, it nearly killed me the last time.

So, as I see it...I only have one option: Move on with my life. My search for a job is turning out to be a huge frustration and inconvenience as I cant seem to find a job and daycare schedule that will work together with getting in home in time to get my children off the bus. ARGHHHHHH! I really, really want, no, need to get back to work. My search for employment goes on.

On that note, I have much to do around here...Have a fabulous weekend!

May We Never Forget Those We Lost That Day and Those Whom We Did Not...

For those who lost their lives that day, five years to be exact.

For those who survived that day, and are able to look back.

For every family who lost someone, a father, sister or son.

Let every one here today remember what they’ve done.

They bravely strove to give that day, to save both foe and friend.

No thoughts of selfishness remained among these women and men.

Those lost to us on that tragic day, the Eleventh of September.

Will live on for forever in the hearts of those who remember.

What is Your Color?

RED: Strengthens physical energy. Alleviate colds, and flu. Helps with listlessness. Confidence: You can do anything you desire. Physical Strength, Power Action, movement, change and transformation

Red is represented by fire. Fire can create or destroy.

The Waiting Game...

I would like to send out a thanks to Blu for all of his help with this new template. I like it much better and will hopefully have time soon to add a few more links.

My week has been fruitful yet stressful. I took a test Thursday and will have to wait 2 to 3 weeks to find out the score...if I passed or failed. I'm not a really patient person and this waiting game is driving me nuts. Are you asking yourself...What kind of test did she take? Well, let me tell you. (I'm not sure if I should be proud that I'm finally taking this step in my life or ashamed that it's taken this long) I went Thursday to get my GED (General Education Diploma). I feel pretty good about everything except the math, there were so many things that might as well have been Greek, but then I felt the same way on the pre-GED test and aced it, won the scholarship even, but still I worry that I haven't passed.

A big part of me was proud of myself for winning that scholarship...a bigger part was blown away that I did it. I find it hard to believe that I held the highest score among those taking the pre-test (around 20 people). To pass you must score a 430 on each subject and an average of 480. My lowest score was a 510 in math, the average for all of it was 678. I'm really surprised at this score, but J says that He knew I would pass it and wonders why I waited so long to even chance it. I chock it up to fear of failing and being a very self-conscious person, perhaps I should listen to J more often as He has been telling me for a long time that this would help my self-esteem and confidence...I think He is right, at least I hope He is. I'll find out in about 2 weeks...

In Dreams

Along a hidden path lays the way into my dreams A place of hope and sorrow, where nothing is as it seems.

The door in which I enter is a pillow and my bed As the sun goes down and stars appear to shine above my head.

I lay adrift not quite asleep, half here and half there My dreams they finally claim me as I float without a care.

Soaring high above the ground, angels at my side I feel as though I have wings of silk on which I gently glide.

Watching as the moon shines brightly silver and blue beams Me without a worry, I lay safe inside my dreams.

Poetry

I was going through some old files today and came across some of my poems. Here are a couple of my favorites...

The Far Side of the Rainbow

Come along on a magical ride into a galaxy Where people glide through mystical skies and Swim through rainbow seas.

The trees grow near a wishing well Deeper than you’d ever believe Ocean waves on pearly shells and Roses grow on trees.

Buttercups of butter cream Found in rows and rows A fairy princess in each one To help it as it grows.

Clouds of cotton candy float on purple skies As little men with pipes so thin Sit talking with their wives.

All day long kids run and play In fields of lollipops and When it rains the children say It tastes like chocolate drops

Caramel apples grow on trees and Tiny bees with tambourines Make music in the sky Boats set sail, made from shell As mermaids swim near by

Even here on this other world Much is still a like As each and every heart beat slows To the rhythm of the night

The evening gives way to the end of day As shadows grow dark and shady A star burns out and is reborn Before the Lunar Lady

Powerful Goddess though she be The sky is ruled by light The silver sun may guild the day but A pink moon rules the night

Matters of the Heart

Alone I walk this path of mine so weary yet no rest in sight. The darkness silent as the grave I seek the ending of this night. Will I be bound to this depth of hell never to see my love again? To suffer through the end of time without my lover once my friend. Hate has closed his heart to me has taken his hand away from mine. I would give my soul right now to have his love just one more time. Alas I had to say good bye to all I held tenderly in my heart. I have not the courage nor will nor strength to give it another start.

Help?

I have wanted to add links to my blog for a long time and have yet to figure it out. Yes, I admit, I'm not very good at all this blogging stuff at times and I need a little help here. Can anyone show me how to add a link to my blog? Please. : )

Sex Study

Re-Direct

I called the Head Start yesterday only to find out there were not enough openings for T to go there. They are required as a state run facility to take children who are 4 years old first, then they will accept 3 year olds according to their needs. No one could tell me or even give me a ball park guesstimate of when they will be able to take him, so...it's time for a re-direct.

Since I really don't care what kind of job I find until I can get my EMT license, I'm going to try and get a job at a day care. This way I'll have work and T can get used to being around a bunch of other kids before he goes into kindergarten without it costing us an arm and leg. It will also alleviate some of the stress of leaving my little boy in an environment that is new or perhaps scary for him. I admit I'm a little bit hesitant at the idea of being around little people all day long, but the cash will be a good thing and so, I'll do what I must. It can't be all that bad...can it?

Lunchtime Update

It's been a while...a long while. Life has been very hectic this summer leaving me little time to blog or anything else online. Even as I sit here typing this I am trying to make the best use of my time by having a lunch break as well. Such is life I suppose.

School starts back August 1st for my two oldest kids and my baby boy (he's 3) will be off to preschool shortly after. I'm feeling a little down about that, but hey they have to grow up don't they? I worry about how he will react when I leave him that first day and that I wont have the spine to leave my poor, poor, little guy all on his own in this big bad world. Yes, I freely admit I am a HUGE sap when it comes to my kids and am probably a little bit too overprotective, but if J and I don't look out for them...who the hell will???

Anyway, now that T is off to Head Start my life is about to take a big turn for me, you see I haven't worked very much outside of my home in my married life. With the exception of one year of working in a nursing home,(I quit when I found out I was pregnant again) I have always been a stay at home mom and now I am in search of a job. Just something, anything for the moment until I can get my EMT license and then I will work on getting my RN, so I may reach my ultimate goal which is to become a life flight nurse.

I must admit I'm not overly fond of the idea of having to deal with people, actually I hate the idea, but I know what I love and I realise the entering this field of nursing will allow me to do just that...help those that TRULY need it, without having to become attached in any way. So, keep your fingers crossed for me, that I will be able to make this happen.

To those of you who have continued to come around and read (even through my absence)...Thank You!

The Other White Meat?

I'm willing to lay odds that this advertisement was created by a man.

Word Association Test

I have issues with...

mother father water men sex

Take Word Association Test

That's what this test tells me anyway..:)

Personality Test

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (60%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness (50%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

What Kind of Flower Are You

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

Time to worry?

This image has been slithering her way through my thoughts and so, I have put it on paper. I know this isn't my usuaul work, but maybe drawing her will get it out of my system. Should I be worried at all?

An Old Tree

This is the first picture I've drawn completly on PSP, I've had it around for a while, but forgot about it until today. It's been a while since I last posted so, I thought I would work on this a bit today and put it up on here.













I just colored it in PS. I'm not sure which I like better.

Seasons

I think this anxious/depressive state that I have been in is begining to break. I would like to thank each and everyone of you who were there for me during my little whining, cry baby fest. Thank you.

The Human Seasons

FOUR Seasons fill the measure of the year; There are four seasons in the mind of man: He has his lusty Spring, when fancy clear Takes in all beauty with an easy span: He has his Summer, when luxuriously Spring’s honey’d cud of youthful thought he loves To ruminate, and by such dreaming high Is nearest unto heaven: quiet coves His soul has in its Autumn, when his wings He furleth close; contented so to look On mists in idleness—to let fair things Pass by unheeded as a threshold brook. He has his Winter too of pale misfeature, Or else he would forego his mortal nature

John Keats (1795–1821).

Words?

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words... this is a perfect picture of my emotional state right now. With that said, I guess there is no reason to say any more.