Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. - Helen Keller

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Random Thoughts

I have been in a terrible funk lately and to make matters worse I couldn't sign in to blog! Funny, how something that is not used on a regular basis (sadly) can put you in such an ill mood when you can't use it at all. I'm odd like that though...I rarely go anywhere and that's ok so long as my vehicle is where I can use if I want to, but if it happens to be in the shop I get this overwhelming NEED to go. It's almost like some kind of psychosomatic claustrophobia. I suppose due to the way I was raised, hidden away in the country, never going anywhere. Ahh, here we go past, damnit, it stays in the forefront of my mind. I can't seem to get over it, leave it where it the past. J thinks that I need to confront my parents on certain things, I am however quite happy to just leave my parents out of my life altogether. God, that seems so harsh, even to my own ears. This is driving me nuts! I LOVE my parents, but a part of me wants to dis-own them, to put them out of my mind and go on with my life. Sadly, I don't have that daughter and son (7 & 5 yrs. old) were asking me today when they could go and spend time with my parents. I told them that we could ALL go and see them if they would like. My daughter is such an astute child and wanted to know why we don't want them around granny and papa without us. Grrr, how do you explain to children that you don't want them to end up as mindfucked as you are, or that their grandparents are so completely out of touch with reality and life in this century? Still trying to dodge that one as long as I can, right now I'm just telling them that I love granny and papa, but there are things that I don't really agree with them on. It's true enough...I guess. I'm also working out in my mind exactly where I fit into "The Kink" that I do so enjoy. I want to say that I am a true sub and I guess in ways I do have a submissive personality, but I don't think I'm really a sub or maybe I haven't learned how to truly submit or maybe I don't really want to relinquish complete control...round and round I go. I have heard a few subs talking about something called a "Total Power Exchange" and I find myself cringing at the very words, so what does that mean about me? I want to be very good like all the other submissive I see, but on other occasions, I just want to scream...are you fucking for real? What gives anyone the right to try to take away MY freedom, to rein me in and have me jumping through hoops for him or her? Is it really for THEM though or is it a way to give me a break from myself. I'm very lucky that my husband J will spank me when I want him to, he has only once spanked me in a discipline fashion and I could hardly call that discipline (I'm not complaining) but when he did it, on an anger scale of 1 to 10, I was about a 25. Maybe it wasn't anger, but pride. So, I have all these thoughts running through my head and I don’t know where to go or what to do with them. A part of me wants to wholly surrender while my saner side tells me to be happy with just being a spanko...if that is in fact what I am.

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