Que Sera, Sera...

Well, school is officially out and I have all 3 (8,7 & 4 years old) of my kids + my best friend's son, he is 9 years old. This makes for a full day, I am up by 7:30 am to let K's son in, feed him breakfast and get him settled down to watch cartoons or movies until my three are up, then I lay back down, mess around on the PC or just enjoy the quiet until mine wake. They believe in sleeping in as late as they can in the summer, they are up at 5:45 every day for school and appreciate being able to lounge. This works well while I'm watching Kade because he like to be alone and is happy to let my kids sleep and just watch TV, then when the other kids get up I get them fed, dressed and out to play for the day and hope like hell they can get along long enough for me to get some kind of cleaning done.

As soon as possible I'm going to get my application in and talk to the manager for a job I want, I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for the full time position that will open up as soon as the sign shop opens in their new building, the guy (he works in the sign shop doing most of their signs) I'm doing logos with is going to try and get me in there. I'm hoping to get an evening job until that opens up, I need the money as well as the time away from the house, not to say this will ease the things I still have to do at home, but it will ease the frustration of being at home all the time, staring at the same walls day after day. I also like to work, I'm good at it and good at making money...the idea of soon being able to do what I love and make good money doing it thrills me like practically nothing else could.

It's been a little crazy here for me, my mind is cluttered with the want to move up in my life, I'm tired of feeling as if I'll pass through this life and not leave a mark, a real mark...in some way. I know, I have three beautiful children and a wonderful husband and that I am SO blessed to have them. I only hope that my children will remember me as a happy, loving mother and I feel like they will never know me completely as that if I'm not able to do something that makes me feel like a success.

Does that make me a selfish person? I worry. I want so much to be one of those moms that are happy to stay at home all the time, bake and keep a spotless home, but in the nine years of having children I have given up on the spotless house idea and moved on to the...Perhaps if I put them in sports and keep them busy they wont be home to mess it up phase...and that takes $$$. Making money leaves little time for baking though and so I am left to ponder...Aghhhh! I'm tired of pondering, but know that will never really change for me, I want my children to be healthy, happy and secure in themselves more than anything else in this life and that leaves me no choice but to worry about each move I make and how it will effect them.Okay, I've taken a deep breath and know that eventually with enough work and loving care it will all work out and they know they are loved if nothing else.

I think I just have so much going through my head lately that I've barely been able to sort it all and the more I think about it...the more my options, choices and problems that come with all of that...grow. So, what am I doing about it? I'm stopping to take a breather, to enjoy my kids, the warm summer sun on my skin and the cool splash of water every chance I get. I will take the necessary steps to get the ball rolling in the work and school departments, but other than that...I'm letting it go, going to stop stressing on it so much. Life doesn't stop moving, but it will slow down if you take the time to will it to and all of those problems that we deal with on a daily basis...they will be there after you stop to breath, they will probably just seem smaller and easier to deal with. I can only do my best and beyond that, que sera, sera.