Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. - Helen Keller

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Thoughts...

I'm lonely. I can't explain how that is because I rarely have a moment that is mine. I just feel like there is something...somehow, not right. Broken, perhaps? Anyway, I hate this feeling and I don't really have anyone to share it with because the love of my life, the man I would die for, has been sick the last week and if I don't get a break from him, I'm going to explode. Is that horrid of me? So, that leaves me feeling like an ass for feeling that toward him and feeling lonely because there is no way I would ever say such unreasonable, harsh things to him over something that is so clearly NOT his fault. I think I'm broken. Anyone have some super glue? *insert sarcastic laughter here*
I feel like such a pussy for posting such girly, weepy shit on here. I always do, even as I type it and publish...all I really want to do is delete it, but I think just putting it out there is really the only way to get the fuck over it and get on with our fucked up little lives. :) What is that's missing in me, that thing, that allows others to breeze through life so happily? Um, excuse me, I was absent that day, I want a do over...can we try this again? LOL!
Anyway, I'm sure part of this morbid, melancholy mood is not being able to work right now...sigh...business is not busy enough. So, I'm Suzy home-maker, blah, blah, blah again. I know, I know that sounds so bad, but I have been a stay at home mom all, but 8 months of my older children's lives so far and it is very tight here at time with only J working. I LIKE working, love it even, I'm very good at making money because I'm a very hard worker and keep myself busy, but I can't seem to find that same drive at home, I stay depressed and at times grumpy and I don't like that at all. I want to be Mrs. Clever for my darling children, baking, constantly cleaning, cooking, hanging out heavy baskets of clothing and ironing...all of that stuff...and yet, I find myself sorely lacking in that area.
I have decided that I am not going into nursing, but am instead going to do what I have long wanted to do and have a lot of fun doing...Cosmetology...it comes very naturally to me and I know it is something I can always be happy doing. Knowing myself as I do, I know I would not be able to bear loosing someone. I will find out about classes as soon as I can find a moment to get over to the school.
Take care my friends...

2 comments:

Chalice said...

Damn.. I know exactly how you feel. I cannot say I am lonely anymore though but I was for a very very long time. So I can sympathize with how you are feeling and you shouldn't feel badly about it at all. Sometimes we all get in a rut. It happens. But it will change Scarlett. Promise you that :)

Take care Red..

Blublood said...

Please RED, don't be BLU...

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