The Visit...

So, tomorrow is the big day...

I go to see the Dr. and am keeping my fingers, arms and legs crossed that I don't have any major issues...well, my fingers and arms, unfortunately I wont be able to cross my legs during this procedure!

I'm trying very hard not to think too much about it, it freaks me out quite a bit. I had a biopsy on my throat with the Thyroid Cancer and I'm not at all excited about them doing a biopsy on my...uhm, yeah, so anyway! I mean...I know I'm a pain slut and all, but needles inside that area...not my thing!

So much for not thinking about it!

I'm off to hyperventilate for a minute so I can get on with my house work....

The New Year...

Is upon us, once again and it's the time of year that people are making resolutions...

I too have thought about changes I would like to bring about in my life, number one being to get myself into school this year if it kills us all! Of course I'm not going to kill anyone, but this is very important to me and I think it will greatly change (for the better) some of the opinions I have of myself. Speaking of changing opinions, that's another thing I am going to do this year, work on how I see myself, because I know that no matter what anyone else thinks (and I do respect many of your opinions), weather good or bad, it will never mean as much to me and I will never gain anything from those opinions if I don't see myself from a healthy perspective. Enough said, those are my resolutions for 2008!

January 1st, 2008 is a very special day to me, it marks the eleventh year that Jay and I have been married. Some times it only seems like yesterday that we stood in a church and said our vows, others, it would seem another lifetime, funny, how time works. I feel like the most incredibly blessed woman in the world and at times find myself lacking the words to explain how he still makes me feel, though, cherished, loved and safe pop into mind instantly when I think of him. All I really know is that He makes me want to be a better person, for myself, for him, for our children...and that can never be a bad thing! Thank you Jay for coming into my life...I love You!

I know, I know, this all sounds very emotionally mushy and stuff, but as much as I hate to admit it, I am a woman and prone to emotional outbreaks from time to time, so get over it! lol!

I hope that You all ring in a safe and Happy New Year!

Fucking Muse!

I'm sitting here, frustrated as hell with myself. You see, I went through this period in my life when everything I wrote (or drew) seemed to be golden, it all fell into place and came out lovely or whatever...Anyway, for about six to eight months this hasn't been the case. I feel like absolutely everything I write is shit and not worth the memory it takes up on my PC, I'm stuck with about 5 different stories I would love to finish, but every freaking time I sit down to continue on these wonderfully written beginnings...I get nowhere and somehow end up assing up the whole thing! What gives? Is this the dreaded writer's block (not that I'm in any way saying I'm really a "Writer") that I have heard so much about and if it is...what the HELL do I do to get rid of it? I even feel like there hasn't been anything really good written on my blog in a while either. (Sorry guys and thanks to those that haven't abandoned hope that there might eventually BE hope for this blog).

It's not just in my writing either, I haven't been able to draw a damn thing lately, nothing, not even some silly, cool little doodle. I'm telling you guys, my well of inspiration is dry! My muse has left the scene completely, just took the fuck off and went south for the duration of her cycle or whatever brought on this drought and it's kicking my ass. I feel old and used up though I haven't hit the 30 mark yet and I know this shouldn't be the case, I should feel 29 damn it, full of life with thoughts of amazing adventure swimming through my mind, ready to get up and face whatever life has to throw at me and yet...I find that each day this is not the case. My first thought of the day is: Fuck me sideways, I gotta do all this shit AGAIN! I am pretty sure that the lack of inspiration and motivation are tied together and am even mostly sure I know what it's about, but I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it for the here and now. It's one of those things that only time can fix or bring about, if you will.

Anyway, guess I'm done bitching...if you see my muse, kick her ass and send her back to me!

Singing in the RAIN...well, maybe not, but...

I'm sitting here at my desk with my window open enjoying something that I haven't seen in a while. Rain! It started raining yesterday and hasn't stopped, it's absolutely wonderful and I just can't seem to get enough. It has finally come back to my favorite season of the year, I love Fall with it's vibrant colours and crisp scents that carry in the cool clean air. I like the way the wind will carry a sound so far through the ever thinning trees, but mostly I like the rain. The cleansing wash of rain that carries all the gunk and grime of summer away. No more dust that clings to everything, turning the grass a dull green until it chokes and dies, dry and withered. Until Autumn (I love that word) when the rain falls again and bright flaming red, purple and yellow/orange hues fill every yard, in the sky and on the ground.

I know this will sound odd, but I think that somehow the crisp air makes the colours seem that much brighter, perhaps the cold air and rain somehow purify the air as it falls and gets rid of the hot, humid haze that we've lived in for for the last two and a half months. Anyway, however it works, I'm always so thankful when October rolls around. We have finally had a break in the terrible drought and I can feel how sated all of nature is, it makes me feel at peace. The sound coming through my open window is so soothing, I always sleep well when it's raining or storming the rhythm lulls me. Hmm... Speaking of sleep, have a good night all!

It's Thursday and...

The weather is beautiful, Spring is here at last and The children are out enjoying the gorgeous day. We have been out all week, hiking, biking and just enjoying nature. I am ready to begin summer time activities, ready to slough off the heavy dregs of winter and open my windows and doors once more inviting the life of Spring into my home and heart!

I love the life that this time of year seems to bring to everything. Even the air smells fresher, the wind briskly bringing the fresh scent of flowers and greenery. It is time to live in the sun again, gone are the gray and heavy skies that are synonymous to winter, the weighted clothing and dark colors. Let everything sparkle anew!

I hope that all of You, my friends are out and enjoying Yourselves as much as We are here!

Learning, Always...

Why do humans make things so much harder than they really have to be? Why is it that it can take a lifetime for some people to learn something that takes another person only years to figure out and others seem to be born with it? I know that we learn at our own pace and of course that is perfectly natural, but it seems as if there should be some things that just come imprinted into our genes. Perhaps there was at one time? Or, maybe it's still there and we just forgot how to tap into it? I don't know, but somehow, it's been lost to most of the population. Its been replaced though, or perhaps a stronger gene has taken over...who knows? My point is that people just don't care anymore. About anything, really...well, most don't anyway, there is that few somewhere out there that still do. Honestly, I don't think people realize just how selfish they are at times.

In fact, I don't think that people really think about things in those terms anymore. It really has become an every woman/man for him/her-self world, you do what you have to do so you can survive. I don't think people, for the most part, go through life looking for a way to screw someone over. I do think that people end up doing very selfish and insensitive things to get what they think they need or "deserve" at a moment and end up hurting others. I think that is why it is so hard to find a person to whom you can give your trust, to put your heart into that person's hand and say "Here, I'm giving you my heart to do will as you please. My heart means a lot to me, it's my life, all of who I am." There aren't many out there that I would want to even chance that with anymore.

This is where I have trouble because I'm an all or nothing type person, meaning: I don't know how to only be a half friend or only love someone this------much, only let them this-------------close, so that I will be protected. My friend K and T (someone we hope we can call a friend) were all talking about this today. Learning the difference between loving someone enough to see past their bullshit and letting someone use your big heart to get what they want. Where do you draw the line? When is enough, enough? We talked about this for a long time and it was nice to see that as far as the three of us...we are pretty much on the same page.

It was nice to sit and talk about things like this without anyone feeling like fingers were being pointed, just that we were stating our opinions. It's good to be on the same page as someone else, even though the words are written out a little differently through each set of eyes. I feel as if I am growing a lot lately, in many areas of my life and it makes me feel wonderful, makes me want to learn more so I can grow more and become the person that I know I can be. It makes me want to be a better person in all aspects of my life. That's a good thing.

Hope you all have a great week...

The Awakening...A Dream Revisited.

My life has been a wild roller coaster of emotions for a long time, the things I thought I wanted to do...I don't know, but a part of me just didn't feel settled with them, by them I mean, nursing and cosmetology. I am not saying I wouldn't enjoy those careers, but...Let me back up a bit.
When I got married ten years ago, I had a dream of going to a school in this area: Nossi College of Art. At the time, I couldn't go because I didn't have my GED, (or the sense to get it before I had three kids. OY!) I let my GED stand in my way for almost ten years and in that time I lost sight of that dream, in a fog, hiding from failure it lay forgotten somewhere along the way.
A few days ago I stummbled over this dream again, now that the GED has been taken and conquered there is nothing to stand in my way, no reason to box myself in. If I am going to go to school, why not go for something I have long dreamed of and believe I can do and do well. I enjoy art, I like graphics, I like to write. So, I'm going to school for this: Commercial Illustration. I haven't been this happy in a long time, gone is the loneliness that stained my soul. I feel like a kid again, waiting for Christmas morning so I could start unraveling the wonders that awaited me.
I have started filling out applications and papers, questionnaires, anything to get this dream in motion least I lose it because I might not be lucky enough to find it again, besides why wait until I'm too old to enjoy it, if I start now I still have a whole life of doing what I love ahead of me!
I would also like to have my children remember me for more that just the mom who washed their clothes and fed them. I want them to know me for the cool, artistic chick that I am just bursting to be. I want them to know me as a happy person, someone able to pass on a love for life and the ability to learn. To marvel at the wonders and beauty that surround us all.

Thoughts...

I'm lonely. I can't explain how that is because I rarely have a moment that is mine. I just feel like there is something...somehow, not right. Broken, perhaps? Anyway, I hate this feeling and I don't really have anyone to share it with because the love of my life, the man I would die for, has been sick the last week and if I don't get a break from him, I'm going to explode. Is that horrid of me? So, that leaves me feeling like an ass for feeling that toward him and feeling lonely because there is no way I would ever say such unreasonable, harsh things to him over something that is so clearly NOT his fault. I think I'm broken. Anyone have some super glue? *insert sarcastic laughter here*
I feel like such a pussy for posting such girly, weepy shit on here. I always do, even as I type it and publish...all I really want to do is delete it, but I think just putting it out there is really the only way to get the fuck over it and get on with our fucked up little lives. :) What is that's missing in me, that thing, that allows others to breeze through life so happily? Um, excuse me, I was absent that day, I want a do over...can we try this again? LOL!
Anyway, I'm sure part of this morbid, melancholy mood is not being able to work right now...sigh...business is not busy enough. So, I'm Suzy home-maker, blah, blah, blah again. I know, I know that sounds so bad, but I have been a stay at home mom all, but 8 months of my older children's lives so far and it is very tight here at time with only J working. I LIKE working, love it even, I'm very good at making money because I'm a very hard worker and keep myself busy, but I can't seem to find that same drive at home, I stay depressed and at times grumpy and I don't like that at all. I want to be Mrs. Clever for my darling children, baking, constantly cleaning, cooking, hanging out heavy baskets of clothing and ironing...all of that stuff...and yet, I find myself sorely lacking in that area.
I have decided that I am not going into nursing, but am instead going to do what I have long wanted to do and have a lot of fun doing...Cosmetology...it comes very naturally to me and I know it is something I can always be happy doing. Knowing myself as I do, I know I would not be able to bear loosing someone. I will find out about classes as soon as I can find a moment to get over to the school.
Take care my friends...

Fading Away...

I find myself lately, simply wanting to fade away or perhaps I feel as if I'm already fading. I'm not even exactly sure what I feel, other than I don't even know myself any more. None of this makes any sense to me as I have a wonderful husband that I don't deserve and three healthy, beautiful children, a family that means more to me than life itself. So, why do I feel so fucking lonely all of the sudden? What is it inside of me that is missing? I feel numb, that's a more appropriate word than lonely, perhaps. Numb, nothing really touches me lately, as if there is this veil that keeps me from actually experiencing what is going on around me. I think my barricade of protection has turned into an insurmountable wall that now holds me inside, locked from myself and everyone around me and I have no idea how to get rid of it now that I have built it. I don't know where I'm trying to go with this line of thinking or if any of this even makes any sense, so I'll stop for now and try again to regroup my emotions, see if I can even make heads or tales of myself...