New Art...

*I did two new pictures today, then scanned them into my PC and rendered them in several veriations, I hope you enjoy.




*Both original works are freehand by me and I used nothing for reference.

Merry Christmas

Today has been a wonderful, laid back, relaxed day! We woke late, (Yes, the kids too)watched the children open their gifts, had a large breakfast then watched "Polar Express" (J and I for the first time). After that we all played Yahtzee (a Christmas Gift we got for the family) the kids were a hoot! After all of the festivities we took naps and played with our new toys. All in all a beautiful day...rain and all.
I hope that all of You have had as wonderful a day as we did here.
Merry Christmas!!!

What Is Your Personality Type?

You Have A Type B+ Personality

You're a pro at going with the flow You love to kick back and take in everything life has to offer A total joy to be around, people crave your stability. While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity. Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's done You're passionate - just selective about your passions

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Where Do You Belong?

You Belong in London

You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere. And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!

What European City Do You Belong In?

That was on the first try, I changed one answer, (about the dessert I would choose - did I mention I don't like sweets?) and this is what I got on the second go round...

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Fading Away...

I find myself lately, simply wanting to fade away or perhaps I feel as if I'm already fading. I'm not even exactly sure what I feel, other than I don't even know myself any more. None of this makes any sense to me as I have a wonderful husband that I don't deserve and three healthy, beautiful children, a family that means more to me than life itself. So, why do I feel so fucking lonely all of the sudden? What is it inside of me that is missing? I feel numb, that's a more appropriate word than lonely, perhaps. Numb, nothing really touches me lately, as if there is this veil that keeps me from actually experiencing what is going on around me. I think my barricade of protection has turned into an insurmountable wall that now holds me inside, locked from myself and everyone around me and I have no idea how to get rid of it now that I have built it. I don't know where I'm trying to go with this line of thinking or if any of this even makes any sense, so I'll stop for now and try again to regroup my emotions, see if I can even make heads or tales of myself...

I Think I'll Dream A Journey...

I'm sitting here thinking to myself about so many topics, some have very little importance to me and others bear more weight. Right now I'm trying to push anything TOO serious to the back of my mind, I'll think about that tomorrow?
Most of the thoughts have been mere day-dreams, nothing remotely possible or feasible, just soothing beaches and adventurous jungles. Midnight rides on horse back, soaring through the clouds upon the shoulders of a dragon and slaying the evil-doer to rescue the one we love.(or have him rescue me, hey a girl has to let go of her pride sometime;)
Mostly, my thoughts roam to the future and what it will be like. Not so much in my own life, (I have a pretty good idea of how I would like that to go)but in the world as a whole. The human race, mankind...how it all works and what it will BE like.
I often wonder what new technology Medical Science will bring about, the advancements are amazing. It's kind of scary really...can anyone say "Face Off", though I seriously doubt that will ever be a plausible cause for worry, I'm sure there are just as many new studies that we should be worried about?
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I feel like rambling because I'm bored, J is sleeping and there is no one online that I would like to talk to right now :(. I really kind of miss chatting, (at times like this when I can't seem to sleep) perhaps I'll write a short story or poem or something...who knows? Perhaps I'll just drift away.......
To a steamy river in the Rain Forest, water crystal clear even in the deepest spots as I swim with only my feline friend, Thor, and My horse, Shasta, to keep me company in this deserted paradise of green, thriving plants and cool, refreshing waters.
Or perhaps I'll find myself...
In a land of myths and magic where anything you can think of, you can achieve and create, perhaps my journeys will collide and become one place...
Where ever I drift, I'm sure to find adventures untold and numerous treasures of great price, but with all my heart I hope to find nothing if not the wisdom to appreciate the journey I can create inside my mind...

I'm Amused...

The Change

I have finally switched over to the new Blogger beta and the cool thing is, the new blog I just created is now a part of this account as well! Sweet! I like almost everything about this new improved blogger, except...I finally got to where I could sort of figure how to get my blog template the way I want it and now I can't use it. Bummer, total bummer, I liked that one. Ahhh, well, back to square one. Anyway, I do like the ease of adding links to blogs I read and changing the fonts, all of that is wonderful. Hope You all have a Spetacular ThanksGiving!

...

My life has become insanely busy lately. I am up at 5am; getting the children ready to board the bus, then have baby boy (T) to day-care in time to be on the job sight by 7:30. I work there until 3:30 and then run to pick up T so I can be home in time to be there when the bus brings my daughter (I) and middle son (E) back. Next week that will differ, I will have to be at their school by 2:50 to pick them up then I'm headed to my second job until 6PM. Then homework, dinner, baths and bed...somehow I have to figure out how to fit laundry, housework and things like that in. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, but I do need the money, so I dare not complain.

Besides, I enjoy what I'm doing, I like to build things and remodel older homes. There's something to be said about using your own hands to bring an old home back to life again. I've always thought that houses were more than wood and mortar; they have a soul, have shared births and deaths, family reunions and funeral wakes. Houses hold a million secrets, wishes, dreams and sometimes-bad memories too. It always saddens me to see an old home falling down because it reminds me of the fragility of life, that we are only here for a short while and then we are merely dust and wind. I think that if you can prolong the life of an old house, you save the many memories and thus prolong the lives of those who dwelt within.

Anyway, I only said all that to explain how much I take pleasure in what I'm doing, good hard work that leaves me tired, sore and feeling as if I haven't wasted the light of day. I like the fact that I don’t have time to think so much about certain things, foolish things that I have done in the past. The skeletons don’t rattle so loudly when you’re not constantly opening old closet doors. It’s easier to forget things you were subjected to in the past as well; there is no energy to even deal with it in your dreams. Work is the cure to the past…I think.

Another Blog

I Have a new blog, you can find it here:

I can't honestly tell you why I'm making another blog with my schedule lately...call me crazy, I guess.

Anyway, Check it out if ya want...

My Baby and Me...

Random Things...

I'm extremely frustrated right now. I want so badly to see justice done just once to someone other than me! I NEVER get away with anything, (I'm a horrid liar) but when it comes to how people treat me...in the end, when push comes to shove and they don't need me around for one thing or another anymore...I end up being tossed aside, trashed...called...well, I've been called a few things lately that have really hurt. And all of this, these things I've been called is by someone I have gone out of my way to be nice to and help. I really don't understand things like this...if there is Carma...what the hell is wrong with mine and what have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?

I'm glad I have work now to keep my mind occupied, I don't really have time to think of what has been said or what is being said about me. I'm working with my Husband and His Business Partner (whom actually hired me) in construction and I like it. I enjoy building things and I don't have to deal with anyone that I don't already know. I'm very happy about this, though it is heavy work at times...I don't have to kill myself and I KNOW that neither of these two people are going to screw me over. I am content with this until I go to school and get my LPN and eventually...RN.

I'm losing weight again and it has me a bit worried, I really don't have a lot more that I can afford to lose. I'm 5' 10" tall and now only weigh in at 128. I know that is considered perfectly okay if you want to be a runway model, (actually a little heavy) but that is something I will never be, so...I'm a tad worried about it. I start to look like a skeleton at about 120, @ 110 I just look gross. I think it's because they upped the dosage of the thyroid medicine, Levoxyl, I have been taking. Hopefully it will level off again before I end up blowing away.

I put my baby boy into day care Tuesday and He didn't like that first time of me leaving him with strangers too much at all. I felt like an ass just walking off and leaving him there crying out that I please don't leave Him. The second day wasn't much better, but today he seemed to be a little more okay with it, he started playing before I walked out and I didn't hear him cry at all. I feel a little better about leaving him there now and he seems to enjoy getting to be around all the other kids his age. So, if he's happy...I'm happy.

For All Horor Movie Fans...Enjoy!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

To Hell With It...

What is it that allows people to take advantage of others? Why can't people just give a damn sometimes. Think of more than just themselves for a while. What possesses these people to take what they can and then when they don't need you anymore...to do all the damage they can, make you feel like shit and toss you away like so much rubbish. I think I have officially lost ALL hope in humanity, to hell with it.

I am DONE trying to meet and make new friends, to hell with that too. Perhaps just being a solitary soul is my destiny. I have J and He is all that I need. I think the word friend describes nothing more that smoke and fantasy. A word created to deliberately keep you reaching for something that has never nor will ever exist. To hell with it.

I DO NOT want this to sound like a poor pitiful me post because it's not. I just needed a place to vent and I guess that IS why I have a blog.

Windows To The Soul...

If Everyone Cared...

I think this song pretty much says it all.

Let Me Refer You...

My Husband J. has been blogging lately and the way His mind works amazes me, so I wanted to share His newest post with all of You who come here to read. Enjoy! You can find His blog here: A Common Man

Outside My Window

I'm looking out my window right now, watching my children play as I type this, I love all the colors of Fall. The world seems to be ablaze for a few short weeks before dozing through the long, cold winter. Fall is the earth's way of reminding us before its nap, that winter will only last a while and then spring brings all things new. Life reborn and empowered with youth, a hunger to grow. But first the Earth must rest and let herself heal, slough off the old to prepare for the new.

The bright reds and oranges stand out passionately against the darker hues of the evergreen and the now dulling grass. I think Tennessee is an absolutely gorgeous state during the Autumn, I don't much care for it the rest of the year, except the very begining of spring when everything is that bright, new leafling green and the rain gives the air a refreshing, clean taste as you breath it in. So it is refreshing when the wind has a slight bite to it, when you pull your jacket a little tighter and squeeze close to the one you love.

Fall ultimately reminds me of the fair. I went this year.(Twice) I took my kids one night and watching them skip around, wide eyed and in awe of the lights and fast rides. This isn't their first year to go of course, but that is one of the beauties of childhood, the ability to take delight in things over and over again. Bounce me on your knee, throw me in the air, spin me round and round. These things will forever be fun in the heart of the young. Does anyone else still love to climb trees or jump on the trampoline while skipping rope? I hope I never get too old to enjoy those simple things.

It's funny really, it dawned on me (perhaps, not for the first time?) that life is very much like the seasons...

Spring = Youth,

Summer = Young Adult,

Fall = Mature Adult,

Winter = Elderly.

Summer sure is different than I thought it would be back in the Spring...Ya know? And how do we know when we're out of our Summer phase and into Fall? I guess when I'm more mature...I'll know. It will probably happen long before I'm ready to admit, but I swear to stave off growing up too fast...(Were there lost girls as well as boys in NeverLand?) as long as possible. I think if we remain kids at heart and hold on to that special warmth that comes in the Spring of Youth, so long as we keep our hearts burried deep from the cold of Winter we'll be forever young in the Autumn and Winter of our Lives.

Is Anyone Else...

Having trouble getting a picture to post on here?

Wings

I have tried to find work in my town and am now fully convinced that there just isn't work to be had, so, I'm going back to school instead. I've wanted to get my RN for a while now and tomorrow I'm going to find out when classes will start. I suppose this will be just as good as finding work, even if we do have to take out yet another loan. At least when my studies are done I will be able to pay them all back relatively easily. That will be SO nice. Not to owe anything. Anyway, enough $$$ talk. I'm finally on my way to earning my wings!

28...

Today.

A Work In Progress...

This is a very rough picture, an idea I keep seeing in my mind. I have a few things i would like to try...to better achieve the look I was going for when I drew this. I'll keep them posted on here. I would SO love to have art classes or the experience from them right now!

This, That and The Other...Random Thoughts

I've been having these really weird dreams lately, very aggressive dreams. I'm not fond of them, I wake up in a state of severe anxiety, as if I slid into some twisted version of my past. Only I'm not a child in my dreams and they aren't actual occurrences, only similar in some ways. In them I'm defending myself from my mother's verbal accusations, this turns into her reaching for a belt to spank (read: flail) me. At this point, I flip out, I TRY to hit her, I DO. I swing and it connects, but it's barely a tap and it only angers her more...are you seeing the cycle here? By the end of the dream I'm fighting frantically, and though I don't physically struggle anymore, I wake up wanting to. Wanting to call out...in frustration, anger and the fear of what I WANT to do in this dream as everyone I know and love sit by and allow this to happen. I wake desperately in need of shedding my own skin. I can usually go back to sleep and be fine, but there are nights when I close my eyes to the same dream...taking up where it left off.

Please, tell me this is not some sign of insanity. I think that is my biggest fear in life, finding out that I'm not sane. Being hauled away to a small white room, padded, no windows and tall ceilings with dimly lit can lighting. My mind shudders away from even the idea of the confinement found inside a straight-jacket. Speaking of straight-jackets, has anyone seen "The Jacket"? Staring Adrien Brody, Keira Knightley, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kelly Lynch, Kris Kristofferson ...it's well worth watching. I also just watched "Final Destination 3". I believe it is my favorite of the three. I'm a dork I know, but I love those types of movies. Though I was never fond of "Scream", any of them.

So, back to the REAL world...I've dropped off numerous applications and have yet to get a call back. Gotta love small towns with high population and not nearly enough jobs or people who care enough to let go of some of their daddy's hard earned cash and create places for work. Unless of course I want to sit in a line all day and like a robot, place plastic parts on a moving line so they can be neatly painted and packaged (what the hell is up with packaging these days anyway?!?!) to be sold for four times what they're worth while I'm payed a minor sum of what they(the label companies) keep by distributing their cheap merchandise. Anyway, sorry about my little rampage there, and I mean NO offence to anyone who might work in a factory. (Bravo for having a JOB!) I haven't had a good nights sleep in a couple of nights and that makes me CRANKY!

On the up side to my weird dreams, I have some ideas for a picture floating through my head. I have a rough sketch and have been running it through my mind wondering how I can actually get what I want. I usually tend to stick with mostly realistic pictures, but to achieve what I want, I think it may look more like a cartoon, perhaps a bit like anime, though I've only tried my hand at that a few (not very successfully, I might add) times in the past. I also have a bit of a story brewing in my head, well a part of an idea for a story.

She held the vial above the ornament and watched as the liquid caught her eyes in its reflection. The image would stay in her memories forever, the image frozen, the drop frozen in motion. Her stomach flipped at the idea that this moment may forever change the way she looked at the world around her, her choices, HER. The liquid landed on the sharp, shiny object and she closed the vial, slipping it back into her pocket as she picked up a tray of festive treats and headed back... They would be waiting for her.

Anyway, it might be something along those lines, ideas are still forming and it is far past time that I should be in bed...sleeping. Good night my friends. Sweet dreams...

Just a Few Pictures

Wanting More and Moving On...

Is there ever a time in your life when you wonder...Is there more? What am I missing? AM I missing anything?

This thought has passed through my mind more than a little lately. It makes me a bit uncomfortable and I guess that's a good thing. It's time to move forward with my life, it's just not fulfilling anymore. I'm tired of standing still, waiting, I'm ready to go! I think that if we stay in one place too long we get way comfortable and I think I did that for a while, but it's not enough any more.

I'm itchy in my own skin if that makes any sense at all and there are little tell-tale signs too. I want do things I know aren't really fulfilling, they only appear that way for the moment and then you wake to realise that your life is all fucked up. No, Thanks. I'm NOT going down THAT road again, it nearly killed me the last time.

So, as I see it...I only have one option: Move on with my life. My search for a job is turning out to be a huge frustration and inconvenience as I cant seem to find a job and daycare schedule that will work together with getting in home in time to get my children off the bus. ARGHHHHHH! I really, really want, no, need to get back to work. My search for employment goes on.

On that note, I have much to do around here...Have a fabulous weekend!