Monday, January 29, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
My life has been a wild roller coaster of emotions for a long time, the things I thought I wanted to do...I don't know, but a part of me just didn't feel settled with them, by them I mean, nursing and cosmetology. I am not saying I wouldn't enjoy those careers, but...Let me back up a bit.
When I got married ten years ago, I had a dream of going to a school in this area: Nossi College of Art. At the time, I couldn't go because I didn't have my GED, (or the sense to get it before I had three kids. OY!) I let my GED stand in my way for almost ten years and in that time I lost sight of that dream, in a fog, hiding from failure it lay forgotten somewhere along the way.
A few days ago I stummbled over this dream again, now that the GED has been taken and conquered there is nothing to stand in my way, no reason to box myself in. If I am going to go to school, why not go for something I have long dreamed of and believe I can do and do well. I enjoy art, I like graphics, I like to write. So, I'm going to school for this: Commercial Illustration. I haven't been this happy in a long time, gone is the loneliness that stained my soul. I feel like a kid again, waiting for Christmas morning so I could start unraveling the wonders that awaited me.
I have started filling out applications and papers, questionnaires, anything to get this dream in motion least I lose it because I might not be lucky enough to find it again, besides why wait until I'm too old to enjoy it, if I start now I still have a whole life of doing what I love ahead of me!
I would also like to have my children remember me for more that just the mom who washed their clothes and fed them. I want them to know me for the cool, artistic chick that I am just bursting to be. I want them to know me as a happy person, someone able to pass on a love for life and the ability to learn. To marvel at the wonders and beauty that surround us all.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I'm lonely. I can't explain how that is because I rarely have a moment that is mine. I just feel like there is something...somehow, not right. Broken, perhaps? Anyway, I hate this feeling and I don't really have anyone to share it with because the love of my life, the man I would die for, has been sick the last week and if I don't get a break from him, I'm going to explode. Is that horrid of me? So, that leaves me feeling like an ass for feeling that toward him and feeling lonely because there is no way I would ever say such unreasonable, harsh things to him over something that is so clearly NOT his fault. I think I'm broken. Anyone have some super glue? *insert sarcastic laughter here*
I feel like such a pussy for posting such girly, weepy shit on here. I always do, even as I type it and publish...all I really want to do is delete it, but I think just putting it out there is really the only way to get the fuck over it and get on with our fucked up little lives. :) What is that's missing in me, that thing, that allows others to breeze through life so happily? Um, excuse me, I was absent that day, I want a do over...can we try this again? LOL!
Anyway, I'm sure part of this morbid, melancholy mood is not being able to work right now...sigh...business is not busy enough. So, I'm Suzy home-maker, blah, blah, blah again. I know, I know that sounds so bad, but I have been a stay at home mom all, but 8 months of my older children's lives so far and it is very tight here at time with only J working. I LIKE working, love it even, I'm very good at making money because I'm a very hard worker and keep myself busy, but I can't seem to find that same drive at home, I stay depressed and at times grumpy and I don't like that at all. I want to be Mrs. Clever for my darling children, baking, constantly cleaning, cooking, hanging out heavy baskets of clothing and ironing...all of that stuff...and yet, I find myself sorely lacking in that area.
I have decided that I am not going into nursing, but am instead going to do what I have long wanted to do and have a lot of fun doing...Cosmetology...it comes very naturally to me and I know it is something I can always be happy doing. Knowing myself as I do, I know I would not be able to bear loosing someone. I will find out about classes as soon as I can find a moment to get over to the school.
Take care my friends...